Released: 1989
Directed by: Peter Greenaway
Written by: Peter Greenaway
Parental Rating: NC-17, yep, it’s that graphic, so not only language, but sex talk, including but not limited to allusion to and speak about rape. Fair warning. Oh, and a fun little twist at the end.
Spoiler Alert: Oh, you know it, kids.
Peter Greenaway is a freaking genius. This movie is absolutely amazing. It’s beautifully shot, the cast is brilliant, and the tale is wonderfully twisted. I love this movie. If that’s any indication of my personality…then, so be it.
Where to begin!
Bourgeois and boorish crime boss, Albert Spica and his gang of thugs have stripped a man naked in an alley, are beating him, rubbing dog shit all over him, and then proceed to piss all over him. Apparently, this man should have paid up when originally asked or he wouldn’t be in this predicament. Off in the distance mongrel dogs chew on discarded bones.
Albert clearly, takes a great joy in humiliating this man in front of his wife, Georgina (Helen Mirren), who in the meantime tries to get Albert to cease his rabid assault upon this hapless man.
Leaving this man in the street, Albert and his thugs head into Le Hollandais, the French restaurant in which the majority of the story takes place. It soon becomes obvious that Albert also takes a great joy in humiliating Georgina as well. It’s a constant barrage of berating and beatings regardless of who’s around. He’s basically the asshole of the movie.
One thing that I really love about this movie is how it’s filmed. It appears as though it’s being filmed on one really large soundstage divided into five sections each with its own color. Outside = black, kitchen = green, restaurant = red, bathroom = white, and the book depository = burnt orange.
The color coding of the movie is very subtle save for the red and white, which are very dramatic and if you really pay attention, one can notice that the wardrobe throughout coincides with each room as the cast moves through the scenes.
Really looking at the background, it may very well have been filmed on one very large soundstage, which makes the seams between scenes all the more astounding because it really feels as though we inhabit one large space.
As Albert makes an ass of himself people just sort of watch on in absent terror because he’s so off the cuff. Finally done humiliating the man in the alley, we make our way into Le Hollandais, all the while Albert berates Georgina for a number of things, one of which happens to be smoking, going on about how it makes her pee stink. She says, “Rubbish.” His lackeys lag behind, each carrying a large letter while Albert tells Georgina she’s wrong explaining why.
In the kitchen we’re greeted by the voice of a soprano boy singing while others feverishly work at whatever it is they’re doing. Georgina is enamored by the soprano boy and enjoys a smoke, while the thugs hang the letters up in the background.
Shockingly enough, all peace is shattered by Albert screaming for Richard, the head Chef of Le Hollandais. We learn here that Albert has basically taken the restaurant over from him and Richard isn’t really interested in listening so he goes on about plucking the feathers from a duck, but if Albert would like, he could leave the feathers on the duck and cook it that way for a new fun way to eat duck!
Albert sort of blows this off and excitedly pulls Richard aside to show him ‘their’ new sign, which boasts quite proudly SPICA & BOARST in neon letters. These letters are huge. Each letter has to be nearly the size each man, so probably at least four to five feet in height for each letter. It’s lit up and almost immediately, all the lights in the restaurant go down. Fantastic. Thanks for the great gift, Albert. You ass.
Richard just sort of shakes his head and sarcastically comments on the lack of electricity due to Albert’s ‘generosity’. *smirk*
Now Albert’s cranky he can’t have dinner. Well, I guess the big ugly sign has to come down. Fine! Albert gets to work deciding on what to have for dinner and mispronounces ‘poissons’ and Georgina can’t help but correct him. When she does, he smacks her in the face repeatedly with the menu asking her what the hell she just said and she calmly repeats herself.
He sends her and his men off to their table and Albert and Richard have a fun conversation about their ‘arrangement’. Richard really doesn’t care much for Albert and doesn’t really seem too concerned about his threats.
The man covered in dog shit makes his way to the restaurant at which point Richard and his kitchen staff begin to clean him off while Soprano sings a tune and rest of the kitchen continue to work at making Albert’s meal.
In the restaurant, Albert shows people how to eat asparagus and berates some guy at his table about how he’d never manage to get close enough to a woman to suck on her fingers, proceeding to give everyone at the table, table etiquette lessons as though he knows what he’s talking about. He belches loudly and Georgina points out gourmets do not belch; he disagrees.
As he’s going on, she enjoys a piece of asparagus, and notices a man off in the distance reading as he eats, so she’s checked out of this conversation entirely.
As she watches the man read, he raises his fork to his mouth realizing his piece of food has gone missing, in looking up to see this he also notices Georgina is watching and is giggling at him now. Oooh, connection!
Albert continues to blather about eating and money and how he enjoys Georgina’s naughty bits. She’s still not paying attention and when Albert realizes this, he hits her hand with a mallet, presumably, violently getting her attention. She keeps her composure as much as she can.
He keeps screaming about things no one really cares about and we see the book reader get up and head off to the bathroom as Richard and a server bring some sort of dish to his table. Richard and the server head over to Albert’s table and sets down a tray for Georgina, who has also gone off to the bathroom.
Albert wants to know why the hell Georgina got something special and he didn’t. Richard says he probably won’t like it; pish posh! Try me! Richard tells him no thanks because your pallet sucks and your wife’s pallet is awesome, so we like to cook for her, you jackass. Just eat what you know you like and quit crying.
Meanwhile, Georgina is in the loo at the mirror when the man comes out of a stall. I’m not really sure what the hell he was doing in the ladies’ room, but whatever. She didn’t say anything and he just leaves.
She follows shortly thereafter finding him waiting in the hall for her. She plays like she doesn’t notice and digs for a cigarette. He just eye fucks her like no tomorrow and may as well sploosh in his pants from her lighting her ciggie. Nervously, she puts out her ciggie and heads back to her table.
Curiosity has been piqued! She wanders over to his table to see what he’s reading before going to her own table.
Greeted very crassly, she sits next to Albert and he announces that he didn’t like what Richard brought her, so she should try it. Turns out the man received the same thing and they watch each other from a distance enjoying their meals.
Almost immediately, Georgina gets up and heads off again claiming she’s left her lighter in the loo, irritating the hell out of Albert. Says he’s going to ban smoking in the restaurant.
The man has met her in the hallway and she sends him to second base immediately, by putting his hand in her blouse on her tit! He has a better idea, let’s get back to the ladies’ room and find a stall.
They do and start making out and stripping. Of course, someone has to come in! He gets on the toilet, while undoing his pants and she removes her dress.
I have to stop here and say: Helen Mirren is one sexy woman and has a hell of a body! You work it girl! In this movie we see all of her and all of her co-star, whose name we still do not know.
Anyway, he drops trou and she begins to give him a blow job. As soon as the person leaves, he’s off the toilet and her panties come off and they start banging in the stall.
Guess who enters? Albert. He wants to know what she’s doing. Ha! Well, if you must know, I’m having heated, wanton sex in the stall because I can’t stand you. How’s that?
Okay, she doesn’t say that, but she is terrified. She puts her dress back on, quickly and claims to be having a quiet smoke since he hates it everywhere else.
He doesn’t buy it, he thinks she’s diddling herself (he isn’t far off, is he?) and tells her she’s not allowed to diddle herself, that’s his property and she’s not allowed to touch it. Yeh, okay. She tells him to shut up and go away, but he lingers yelling at her to wash her hands.
Finally, he leaves and the new lovers sigh a huge sigh of relief, kiss, and she opts not to hear him speak. They redress themselves and head out. Just as they are both about to exit the stall, however, Albert jumps out and scares the ever living out of Georgina just before the man follows her out.
She goes to wash her hands and he starts humping and kissing on her and she’s totally not interested. He’s a total crass idiot. Ugh. Eventually, she gets him off of her long enough to escape the bathroom so Man can exit the stall.
I haven’t paid enough attention to know if the days of the week are really pertinent to the story or if this is how they lapse time, either way, now it’s Friday and we see the menu and what les specialite du jour are. Obviously, time lapse is pertinent to the story, what I mean is, I don’t know if it’s another clever coding like the colors…I haven’t really seen anything to tell me that the days coincide with anything in the same way the colors do with the rooms/wardrobe.
Albert and his crew are back with a new person added, Grace (Liz Smith), I think she’s Albert’s mother and she’s a bit crazy and totally out of it. She really seems to have no clue what the hell is going on around her.
Some more lackeys come in trotting stolen goods to Albert’s table, meanwhile Man has returned the same evening much to Georgina’s delight. As Albert goes over his spoils, she eyes him as much as she can.
For some reason Mitchel (Tim Roth) suddenly belches and starts to throw up because apparently, mussels do not agree with him. He’s threatened to have them stuffed back down his throat if he dares to vomit them up.
Meanwhile, the kitchen brings out a little something for Man. Kitchen also brings something for Georgina, which of course annoys Albert, who has to make a fuss and state that it looks like cat food for constipated French rabbits.
Grace wants Albert to order her some Chianti at which point Georgina gets up and heads off to the loo, seeing that Man has looked off in that direction as though he may skip off as well.
Nosey Albert wants to know where she’s going and she replies, “The toilet!” He then shouts through the restaurant for her to wash her hands. Then he goes and messes up the platter of food that was left for her because he’s a jerk. Of course everyone just laughs and laughs because they know he’ll get his in the end.
Georgina and Man abscond to the kitchen in search of a little privacy. No one in the kitchen seems to notice or care that Georgina is wandering around with Man. She stops to taste some custard that some guy in no shirt is making, approving it before Richard finds them a place to have some sex.
They strip down to literally nothing, I’m not really sure why, she’s in a garter and stockings…she doesn’t need bare legs for sex. I guess it just adds to the suspense. Will they get caught?!
Guess who decides to go into the kitchen? Albert. A waitress is chasing Soprano around for some reason, but stops she sees Albert. He sort of bullies her and walks off.
He finds Guy Wearing No Shirt and tastes the same custard that Georgina just approved, spits it out onto GWNS’s head shouting that it’s too salty!
Bah! The lovers have to quickly get dressed because they’re just on the other side of a curtain in with the bread getting it on. I told you, you should have left your stockings and garter on, that shit takes time to put back on! She stuffs her panties in her purse because there’s no time to get them on.
Albert wants to know why he isn’t getting complimentary dishes and wants everyone at his table to get them, not just ‘Georgie’ and why the hell is his fish taking so long?! You can carry it in yourself, buddy, Richard says by handing over a cloth and telling him so. Albert doesn’t like that idea.
In any case, Richard has something to show Albert ‘over here’, effectually giving Georgina and Man time to escape.
Richard wants to know what’s the deal with the new cutlery (which is hideous, by the way – it’s gold with red handles; super tacky) and Albert boasts how he wanted to give the place some ‘style’! Richard proceeds to snap a piece in half showing off the craptasticness of the new wares. He says Albert can take them home and use them there.
On his way out of the kitchen, Albert uses his charm to get by two women, by running right into them on his way to Man’s table. Arriving at Man’s table, he picks up a book, and throws it behind him being a general nozzle then walking off.
At his table he tells the lackey who brought in the craptastic wares to take them back and get a refund while in the same breath belittles Georgina, who could really careless about her ruined plate of food because she’s still euphoric from her romp in the bread room.
Albert starts blathering on about cows and their teats (though he calls them tits because he’s an idiot) and how big they are comparing them to Georgina. He reaches over and grabs her boobs finding that she’s not wearing a bra. Well! This is just unacceptable! You harlot! He announces this to the table by getting up and groping her and then telling them. Such a peach.
Now Albert wants some human milk. Someone thinks he’s joking. He isn’t, but now he’s on about how Georgie is a credit to women everywhere and could teach them all a thing or two as well as some men. He offers her to Mitchel, but quickly takes it back prompting Mitchel to ask if she’s so good, why don’t they have any kids?! Because we all know that being awesome in bed equals the ability to have children. Always. Uhm…not so much. Anyway.
Albert gets all sappy and “fuck kids! Who needs ‘em!” and he’s crying and wailing like a moron. But he wants a baby! Then he laughs saying she doesn’t eat right so it’s her fault they have no kids.
He mumbles something to which Mitchel mumbles something back (I’ve rewound it, I haven’t been able to figure it out and I can’t be arsed to figure out CC’d on Netflix or my TV, so…I have no idea) that annoys Albert who then starts lashing out at Mitchel.
Georgina tells him to knock it off because he’s only emulating Albert just the way he’s taught him. She’s leaving! So is Albert! He throws some money at a sleeping Grace, telling her to pay the bill and take a taxi because he and Georgina are going for ‘a drive’ since tomorrow is their wedding anniversary! What a thoughtful romantic, this guy!
On his way out he takes a book from Man telling him this isn’t a library, and then gives the book to Richard telling him to grill it.
Albert drags Georgina through the kitchen to Soprano asking him why he’s always washing dishes/women’s work and proceeds to grab for the little boy’s gonads. Dude! He’s like thirteen! Leave him alone you freak! Soprano quickly grabs a pan covering his bits staving off his attack at the moment.
Anyway, Soprano asks if he should sing as a way to get Albert to leave him alone. As he sings, Albert prattles on about being a choir boy, going on about how Georgina stole his innocence back in the day; I hardly doubt that. She’s the only reason he has any class at all otherwise forget it! She was such a great educator to Albert; Albert thinks she should show Soprano a thing or two. Isn’t that sweet?
He drags the boy and Georgina out to their car when Georgina refuses to show off her bits and pieces to Soprano. Georgina begs Albert to leave Soprano alone and at the car, he forces her against it, lifting her skirt finding she has no panties on. This just won’t do. Albert is livid that she’s been tramping about with no knickers; he finds them in her purse and then forces her in the car, attempting to get the boy in the car as well.
He does and gets to work assaulting Georgina. Soprano escapes through the window back into the restaurant a few moments later.
It’s Saturday. We know this because we get the Specialties again. This time we open with Georgina and Man in with the cheeses.
People in the kitchen go about their business, preparing meals for the Spica’s and lovely table of fools.
Restaurant! People mill mingle throughout, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. Peace is soon to be shattered, I’m sure.
Ah! And here we go. Albert asks Mitchel what he thinks Prairie Oysters are and Mitchel thinks it’s fish. He’d be wrong. Albert gets to work explaining how precious they are to those who own them.
He gives Mitchel a piece of bread and dips it in wine making Mitchel eat it giving him ideas of what to imagine what he’s eating. Telling him to swallow, Mitchel presumes to at which point Albert informs him he’s just eaten a sheep’s bullock. Nice. Mitchel spits out the bread.
Finally, Georgina returns. Albert goes to the loo to see what she finds so damn fascinating in there. We can see her face is bruised from his attentions the night before.
In the loo, Albert rants about how awful the restroom is as a man tries to pee, minding his own business. Albert gets up on the guy nosing in on what the guy is doing. Dude, back up. I’m not a guy, but I’m pretty sure that’s obnoxious. I don’t think I’d care for some woman sticking her head in under or over the stall at me just because she happened to own the place.
Anyway, Albert’s like, “What are you lookin’ at?!”, the guy tries to leave saying he’s going to get the manager at which point Albert informs the guy, guess what? I’m the manager! And you’re out! Kneeing him in the groin for good measure. Everyone else in the loo looks on in abject terror.
Oh, my god, why are you still reading?! Albert wants to know, tormenting Man some more. Didn’t you know reading gives you indigestion?! Duh! Do you read because you have no one to talk to? You should come have a chat with my wife, she also enjoys reading. In bed and on the john! Come on over! I’ll introduce you to everyone.
Georgina is clearly mortified. Until now they haven’t shared any real information. I’m not totally sure that he even knows her name. I assume he does because Albert shouts it all over the place, it’d be damn near impossible for him not to have heard it at least once and been able to put the two together.
Anyway, Albert finally introduces Georgina and asks his name in return. Ah! Why hello, Michael, it’s been nice having clandestine meetings with you in the kitchen and loo of our restaurant. Blast, that now I know your name. Tsk, now I can develop real feelings for you. Poo.
Apparently, since his name is Michael, that makes him Jewish. Okay? Michael states he is in fact not Jewish. Albert says he shouldn’t be ashamed as sixty percent of everyone in his restaurant is a ‘touch’ Jewish. *lol* A ‘touch’ Jewish? What is that?
Albert insists that Michael is Jewish as his place is set, so no pork for him Richard. *sigh* You are a stupid man, Albert. Seriously. Anyway, no books are allowed at the table because this is a table of conversation! Georgie! Tell Michael all about you!
Be careful what you wish for, pal. While Georgina is obviously very much a victim of an abusive husband, she doesn’t hold her tongue. Her quick wit often gets her a hand to the mouth, or berated, but she gives it to him when he’s being just an absolute asshole. Of which there are varying degrees.
What begins as Albert telling Georgina what to say and her repeating it verbatim, turns into her unleashing a slew of private details when he tells her to try a little harder. She has a great hairdresser and dentist, oh and gynecologist!
Michael doesn’t need to know that Georgie.
Gynecologist says it’s unlikely they’ll have kids due to several miscarriages that have torn up her insides.
Not true! Michael doesn’t need to know that! Michael, tell us about you!
He says he’s a gynecologist and that she can come see him anytime. *lol* Nice, dude. Well played.
No! We shan’t talk about this at the dinner table!
Georgie makes another smartass comment and she’s like, “What?”
Albert thinks it’s time for Michael to go as does Michael, who makes a point of thanking Albert for introducing him to the woman he’s been banging in the kitchen for the last few days. Sweet! He likes her name. But I seriously, don’t know how he hasn’t heard Albert shouting it! Really? Eh.
Albert’s annoyed at Georgina and immediately drags her out of the restaurant into the kitchen and starts yelling at her about what she did. Ugh, and her gynecologist had damn well better be a woman!
Nope, apparently, he’s an Ethiopian Jewish gynecologist. Oh no! His mother’s even Roman Catholic! Gasp! He’s been in prison in South Africa and he’s black! Well, now you’ve done it, Georgina. He punches her in the gut and then drags her out to the car, taking off violently, running over a dog. Jerk! >:O
Sunday! We open in the restaurant, Albert rambling about peaches. Georgina looks like Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie with her outfit. Quietly, she gets up from the table sneaking off to most likely the loo.
He doesn’t notice she’s gone until they start talking about Coq au vin and the men start talking about ‘cocks’ like immature men do when they come across a foreign word that happens to sound like a body part. Hurrrrr.
Michael and Georgina are in with the poultry now. Don’t call her Georgie, either, pal! It’s now he says that her husband is a curiosity. Ha! That’s putting it mildly.
They start talking about a movie in which one of the characters didn’t speak for the first half an hour and once he did, it spoiled the movie for him. Georgina equates that to their relationship and wonders if he’ll lose interest in her because they’re talking now. Doubtful, they start making out among the pheasants.
Back in the restaurant it’s loud much to the chagrin of Terry, who wants a quiet restaurant and a show. Oh, sure, whatever you want! Albert starts grousing at some woman and Terry’s like, “Dude, you are seriously loud, shut up.” But now he wants to know this tart’s name. Patricia! Can you dance? Let’s dance with Jeff!
No dancing in my restaurant! But you can go check out my kitchen if you like! Right through those doors. Off go Patricia and Terry to check out the kitchen…for some reason. Really, they’re going to go bang in the alley. The guy has a limp, which I don’t get.
Someone comes in to get a pheasant sort of interrupting Michael and Georgina, but they don’t really seem to mind.
In the alley, Patricia and Terry go on about how much she gets paid by her boyfriend. She doesn’t. Well, how do you get pocket money?! What if you’re hungry? Thirsty! That’s awful! What if I gave you some money? Sure, but what do I have to do to earn it?
Meanwhile, we get the floor show Terry wanted so badly. People are moved out of the way very briskly to make room for the floor show. The people are totally assaulted before they’re thrown into the kitchen. Quite the ruckus for a floor show.
Guess who’s getting banged just outside the window of the pheasant room? Patricia! Who sees Georgina and Michael inside having sex among the fowl and starts laughing, Terry is annoyed and insults her, but whatever she got her cash.
She points out to her boyfriend the affair that’s been happening between Michael and Georgina. Dun, dun, DUN!!!!
Monday! We’re outside and these two trucks have been sitting since something like Saturday. I probably should have mentioned (if I haven’t already) that there are two trucks full of meat that Albert brought to Richard that Richard declined to use because he couldn’t vouch for the freshness of the meat. He does his own purchasing of food, thanks very much.
Anyway, these trucks are still sitting there and they are starting to stink like you wouldn’t believe.
Inside, Michael tries to coax Georgina to see him outside of the restaurant, but she says it’s better to do it right under Albert’s nose. They’re less likely to get caught! Oh, and by the by, she’s learned to cut corners with her wardrobe, finally, to save time.
Albert and his goons arrive already yelling about something. It seems he’s annoyed about the floor show from the night previous and its lack of entertainment and Patricia’s run in with Terry. I guess Terry complained to Albert about her ‘performance’ and Albert wants to know what her problem is.
Patricia declares Terry (Fitch) is a pig and Albert doesn’t want to hear about it. Fitch has manners! And he has no idea why Fitch likes Patricia, she looks like a bloke!
Patricia refuses to go with him again for a variety of reasons, none of which tug at the heartstrings of Albert who shoves her away by her face. Boyfriend (who has a name, I just haven’t caught it…it’s really negligible at this point) doesn’t like that one bit, and Patricia thinks now is a good time to inform Albert of Georgina's affair. Ah! Corey is the boyfriend’s name.
Anyway, Patricia starts to tell him, Corey tries to stop her, but she goes on anyway. Good job. It earns her a fork to the cheek. Albert doesn’t care that he’s just stabbed a woman in the face with a fork, he’s hungry.
Now he’s on a rampage. He goes into the ladies’ loo and pulls out every woman in the stalls, looking for Georgina, proceeding to tear up the bathroom.
Outside, we’ve opened up one of the trucks to find it full of rancid meat. Awesome. Maggots, flies, etc. gross.
Richard tells Georgina and Michael that Albert has found out. Michael wants to go face him, Georgina says that’s not such a gangbuster idea because Albert is likely to kill him. Richard whisks them away into the freezer; they’re naked, mind you.
Richard just lets Albert tear up the place like a child as he shouts for Georgina. Mitchel holds a gun to the mouth of Soprano while some woman in the kitchen screams at the top of her lungs.
Meanwhile, one of the trucks is taken away and a kitchen worker goes out to get the other one. He’s a badass because that has to seriously smell foul. Good on you, buddy. Good on you.
Albert continues to tear up the restaurant declaring when he finds Michael he’s gonna eat him! He’ll kill him and then eat him! I’LL EAT HIM!!!!! Hooo boy! You have called down the thunder, buddy.
Well, they couple has to abscond in that nasty ass truck right inside with all the rancid meat. Ew! Georgina is like, “Oh hell no! No fucking way am I getting into that truck! No Way! Ew! She’s inside with Michael and they are whisked away to freedom, while getting covered in immense yuck. I can’t even begin to imagine being able to keep anything down. Ew.
At a safe place, the driver of the truck hoses them down with some hot water to get the yuck off. Thank goodness! That just ain’t right. Ew.
We find we’re in a book depository. He’s cataloguing French history. This place is safe because Albert doesn’t read. Ha! Yay!
Tuesday!
Soprano boy serves Georgina and Michael as he sings, but Michael says he doesn't have to sing, he can just serve. They make small talk and Soprano starts to wander around looking at the books. Michael says he can borrow whatever he likes. Hmmm.
The lovers enjoy their meal and when finished, Soprano leaves with the dishes and a book. On his way back to Le Hollandais, he’s surrounded by Albert and his thugs and tortured for information. Albert starts to feed Soprano buttons and someone tries to get him to leave the kid alone.
He sends them away as he continues to shove buttons down Soprano’s throat before he eventually cuts his belly button out, causing Soprano to pass out. While Mitchel tries to resuscitate Soprano, Albert looks at the books finding out where Georgina and Michael are.
Richard brings Georgina and Michael food and some grave news. Soprano is in hospital after being tortured for information. Georgina feels terrible and must go visit him! She feels terrible. L She won’t be gone long. She leaves and Michael locks up behind her.
Soprano doesn’t look good. Everyone looks grim.
While Georgina is off visiting Soprano, Albert and his thugs have found Michael and are stuffing pages down his throat. Albert claims he would have been okay with it if he’d have been younger than him. If only he’d have been a young guy! He’d have understood! And he doesn’t want this to look like a savage maniac sex killing he wants it to look like a revenge killing!
Albert is truly upset at the union.
Georgina finds Michael and loses it.
Back at the restaurant, Albert sits at his table and there are really no patrons other than himself and his people. Maybe six other people. They’re discussing evidence. Albert doesn’t want the evidence destroyed.
Georgina pulls pages from Michael’s orifices. Nose and mouth are both stuffed with pages from his favorite book: The French Revolution.
Albert’s going on about what kind of foods famous leaders such as Napoleon liked as if he has any clue. Great generals all liked seafood he claims. Harris doesn’t buy it.
Georgina pushes the books off Michael and covers him with his robe. She begins to speak to him as though he’s not dead. When she wakes up, it will all be okay, okay? She wants him to make her breakfast and she has things to tell him because no one else is around to listen. She snuggles down next to him for the night going to sleep. She professes her love to him.
Harris is mad at Albert saying what they did was wrong and wasn’t worth it. Albert takes it wrong and screams she’s worth a thousand of those bookkeepers! Mitchel climbs onto the table and sits there like a damn frog.
Albert goes on to accuse Harris of taking a fancy to Georgina, at which point another thug, whose name I don’t know and at this point it’s pretty moot, puts his foot obnoxiously upon the table in front of Harris as though he may kick his ass at any second. Now Albert thinks Harris has had sex with Georgina.
Albert says he’s closing up the restaurant as employees hold him and his goons back from trying to throw out Harris. This is apparently the last straw with Richard as he says, “Nooooooooope! You’re outta here you swine, I’m so tired of you and your crap. Au revoir, Mr. Spica!”
Albert and Mitchel tear up the place as they leave and Foot Guy takes a flan and shoves it onto Harris’s coat.
Michael has not woken Georgina. Damn, she has to make her own breakfast. Here we learn about Georgina’s relationship with Albert and all of the horrible things he’s done to her throughout their marriage. The beatings, the sexual abuse…sometimes he’d use objects on her, other times she’d do it herself – it was less painful for her if she did it. It was all about power with him, not even the sex.
She’d tried to leave him several times and like the typical cycle he’d cry to get her back, but it wouldn’t be long before it would all start over again. She gets an idea and goes to Richard.
Georgina asks Richard if she’ll cook Michael for her and he’s like, “Uh, no, are you out of your mind?”
“But he’d be so tasty! Especially, his Prairie Oysters!” Then she asks how he prices the menu. He says he charges a lot for anything black because it’s like laughing in the face of death. Okay? Sure.
He also says he charges 50% more for aphrodisiac foods, which her lover appeared to not need any. What?! What did you see?! She has to know! Did he love her? Tell me!!!
Okay, well I saw him kissing you pretty much everywhere. That makes you happy?
No, what did you see me do?
*sigh* Really? All right, well, I saw him take you from behind and you take his penis into your mouth.
*cries*
What?! You asked!
Were you jealous? Did you want to join us? In memory of that and your kitchen and your fantasies! Cook him!!! Please!
No!
But it’s our favorite restaurant!
Ugh! No one will eat here ever again! Are you crazy?!
You can bang me if it makes you feel better?
Uh, no. I might be French, but I’m not a total douche bag. You can’t fuckin’ eat him! What the hell?!
*LOL* I’m not eating him! Are you out of your crazy French mind? I’m feeding him to Albert!
Oh, well then, in that case. Bring him in!
Now she can mourn him.
This seems to be the longest day ever. That or I missed a menu, which is entirely possible. I think it’s gone from Tuesday into Wednesday without a menu before she asks to have Michael cooked. We’ll see what the next menu says. I honestly don’t remember!
So, she’s convinced Richard to cook Michael and she starts sobbing. We can hear her wailing outside.
It appears we have jumped to Friday! Le Hollandais is closed for a special private function! Ooooh, I wonder what’s gonna happen here?!
Albert arrives irritated he’s been “invited” to his own damn restaurant. Why do I have to bang on the door like an outcast! Georgina! You bitch! Nice to see you! But I’ll kill you for what you’ve done!
Happy anniversary, Albert! That should be quite simple for you, but I have something quite special in store for you this evening, so if you’ll just sit right here. No, no, Grace and Mitchel cannot join you. This is just for you.
Albert starts to cry and whine at Georgina. Please, come back! I’m a mess!
I’ve a present! Richard helped, he cooked it, oh, and some people are here to watch. Have a seat, Friend.
Enter, as a funeral procession, everyone Albert has ever assaulted throughout the movie carrying a large tray for him. Soprano (whose name turns out to be Pup) is in a wheelchair.
Oh! What’s that?! Smells tasty!
No, Grace, you can’t have any. Remember what I said about calling down the thunder? KABOOM!
Surprise! It’s Michael, Albert! Among a bed of artichokes, cauliflower, potatoes, and asparagus and in some sort of glaze, lies Michael very well done.
Eat up, Albert! You have the best table manners ever! Let’s put them to use now, shall we? Mitchel can pour you a drink.
Mitchel flips out and goes for a knife, but he’s taken down by a couple of people. Okay, Grace, you’re up. Start pourin’. She passes out. Can no one in this joint pour this man a drink without flipping the hell out?! Surely!
Albert pulls a gun, a server grabs him from behind and GWNS jumps in with his trusty ladle to whack Albert if necessary. Gun gets tossed to Richard who hands it over to Georgina who promptly aims it at Albert and tells him he’d better start eating. He should probably start with the cock since it’s a delicacy and he knows where it’s been. Oh, yes. She went there.
He manages a bite, but vomits before he can even get it to his mouth. He’s a little pale even in the red of the restaurant lighting. He starts to chew and Georgina finishes him off with a bullet between the eyes. Cannibal! Ew!
I take a shine to really obscure, twisted movies such as this one for some reason. I’m not really sure why, but I love ‘em. I remember the first time I saw this movie. I was in college; up late…like you do…and cable in the 90’s showed some seriously weird shit. I don’t remember what channel it was on, but the fact that there was full frontal nudity for both sexes was definitely a selling point for me.
You don’t see the naked male form…ever. All we ever get are severe close calls, but rarely, if ever the whole shebang. And in this movie, it actually happens to be integral to the story line and they aren’t naked for the sake of being naked. It’s also done very classy and not overtly.
I also love, love, love how Georgina gets her revenge. Oh, yea? You thought what you were doing to me was bad? Just watch, buddy. I will show you a side of fucked up you wouldn’t believe. I can’t think of a better way to one up your abusive husband, than to have him consume the last person he killed. That’s just…wow. Brilliant.
I give this movie the ultimate rating on my list of Ed Quinn.
Bon appétit!
No comments:
Post a Comment