Movie Review Monday: The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, & Her Lover

Movie Review: The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, & Her Lover

Released: 1989

Directed by: Peter Greenaway

Written by: Peter Greenaway

Parental Rating: NC-17, yep, it’s that graphic, so not only language, but sex talk, including but not limited to allusion to and speak about rape. Fair warning. Oh, and a fun little twist at the end.

Spoiler Alert: Oh, you know it, kids.

Confessions 33 Rating: Ed Quinn

Peter Greenaway is a freaking genius. This movie is absolutely amazing. It’s beautifully shot, the cast is brilliant, and the tale is wonderfully twisted. I love this movie. If that’s any indication of my personality…then, so be it.

Where to begin!

Bourgeois and boorish crime boss, Albert Spica and his gang of thugs have stripped a man naked in an alley, are beating him, rubbing dog shit all over him, and then proceed to piss all over him. Apparently, this man should have paid up when originally asked or he wouldn’t be in this predicament. Off in the distance mongrel dogs chew on discarded bones.

Albert clearly, takes a great joy in humiliating this man in front of his wife, Georgina (Helen Mirren), who in the meantime tries to get Albert to cease his rabid assault upon this hapless man.

Movie Review: Blood Out

Movie Review: Blood Out

Released: April 2011

Directed by: Jason Hewitt

Written by: Jason Hewitt, John A O’Connell

Parental Rating: R, so you can expect language within from me as well.

Spoiler Alert: Most likely, but really it won’t spoil anything. I yap so much, I don't even care about inevitable errors. Deal with it.

Confessions 33 Rating: Gerard Butler

I need to preface this review by stating the only reason I put this movie in my Netflix queue and then proceeded to watch it is because of Ed Quinn. He is honestly the only redeeming thing about this movie because if he weren’t in it, I wouldn’t have bothered. But seriously, I don’t care about anyone in this movie other than Ed. That being said…on to my review!

Highlights:

Ed Quinn as Anthony

It was filmed in Louisiana

Soundtrack is pretty kickin’

Movie Review: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

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Movie Review Rating System

I’ve never sat down and actually reviewed a movie before. I mean, of course, I’ve seen movies and of course, I’ve ‘reviewed’ them verbally with friends, family, co-workers, etc, but I’ve never actually written one. I need the practice, so hell maybe I’ll start doing one of these for movies every now and again.

I’ll need to think up a clever rating system. I don’t want to do ‘stars’, I want to come up with my own thing still on a scale of 1 – 5, but not stars. It’ll probably have to do with men and their beauty as I see them. Ah, I know, I’ll come up with five of actors, rate them from least to most attractive and use them as a rating scale.

Obviously, five on my scale will be represented by Ed Quinn, as being a movie that embodies all things I find make the perfect movie because to me, he embodies all things I find make the perfect man.

One on my scale, hmm, my first instinct is to say Matt Damon, so I should probably just stick with that because he, to me, embodies all that is wrong with a man. However…

Okay, so after some thought here’s what I came up with as my rating system: